don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
