I think i peed on brittanys purse
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
