my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
