there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
