omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
