Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
