I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize