It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
