I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
