so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
