Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
