I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
