I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize