I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
