he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
we're so committed to being not committed
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