Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
