I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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