my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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