my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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