I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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