Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
