so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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