I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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