So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I supernannyed him into submission
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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