I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
