what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize