did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize