glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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