have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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