Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You ruined the universe
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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