Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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