i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
