Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize