I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
