We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There's even glitter on my cock...
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