OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
