Apparently you make a good broom.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
