thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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