i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
