well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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