Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
