Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize