In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
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