Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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