I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize