If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
