Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
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