1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
vagina is talking i cant
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
