I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
