you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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