So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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