dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
