oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
