if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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