I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
