Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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