She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize