im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
