I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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