My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
