I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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