god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
