So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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