K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
