Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
