I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
