Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
